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Thanks guys, I kind of knew it was a bad idea, but needed you guys to tell me!

I am trying to replicate a desert in a beer and thought it would be cool to add the biscuits from the desert into the mash as well. I have added bread to the mash before with no issues but I’m wondering if anything could go wrong with adding biscuits, maybe because if the fat in the biscuits...

Getting an espresso machine for anything under 250 is a completely pointless effort, then adding a grinder of at least 100 to that. It's a very complicated thing to get even passable and you're never going to get the temperature and pressure control on a cheap machine.

The answer is to use de-husked dark malts, you can get quite a few different ones, usually carafa or black malts but whatever is available in your usual brew store. they carry the colour but not the roasty flavours, they are what should be used in a black IPA etc. Some people cold steep them...

I'm assuming you didn't adjust your hydrometer reading for your hydrometer (which i presume is calibrated for 20 degrees). But 1.020 is still a very low starting gravity once its chilled, you won't get over 2,5%.

how do you know it's still fermenting? what was the starting gravity and what temperature are you fermenting at? a couple of months does not sound plausible to me at all

I'm mainly an all grain brewer nowadays so haven't used these kits in a while but i think what you have suggested will be fine, as long as you make sure its light spray malt and your yeast can handle the extra sugar but the extra 500g of sugar should only add about 9 gravity points to a 5 gallon...

I presume the kit already calls for an addition of some brewing sugar like a lot of kits? Shouldn't effect the tastes too much adding more spray malt apart from diluting the hop flavour, adding more brewing sugar will give a drier, lighter body beer but with 500g it really shouldn't affect it...

Yes cider bottles are designed to hold carbonation. Out of interest what size bottles are they?