Joke of the day.

[foxy]

A joke to take the minds off the worriers and whittlers, who think we are all going to be wiped out with plagues pestilence and the off chance of a collision with a asteroid.

In a small village in Russia the village milking cow dried up, the villagers were panicking wondering what to do. A village elder suggested they go and see the wise man of the woods, so they traipsed up to where the wise man of the woods lived. They explained the problem they had with the cow and he told them they would have to purchase a new cow.
The villagers went back and held a meeting , it was decided that two villagers would travel to Minsk cattle market where one of the villagers uncles worked and he could help them choose a good milking cow.
After 5 days the villagers returned with a really good milking cow and the cow started to provide all the milk the villagers needed. At a council meeting the question was raised about the same occurrence happening with the new cow. A villager was once again sent up to ask guidance from the wise man of the woods, he told the villager to go to the next village and borrow their bull to service the cow. This they did the following morning, but no matter what they did, the cow would have none of it. Again a party of villagers went to see the wise man of the woods, they explained no matter how they tried to introduce the bull to the rear end of the cow the cow would turn, to the left, to the right, even to face the bull. The wise man thought for a moment, chin in hand and asked, 'Did you get this cow from Minsk' The villagers were astounded they said yes they did but how could you, wise man possibly know such a thing? He turned to them and said, 'My wife comes from Minsk'

 

[An Ankoù]

Is this meant to be a shaggy cow story?

 

[Dutto]

Reminds me of the one where the Shop Assistant met his new Manager over in the USA and asked him where he had lived and worked.

"I was raised in New York but I worked in Milwaukee before I came here." the Manager replied.

"My God!" said the Shop Assistant "All they ever have in Milwaukee are whores and ice-hockey players!"

"Do you mind," roared the Manager, "my wife comes from Milwaukee!"

"Really," said the Shop Assistant, "which position does she play?"

 

[foxy]

Is this meant to be a shaggy cow story?

I have quite a few Russian clients, I use it as an ice breaker, works well.

A mother was cleaning her sons room and found some sadomasochism magazines under the mattress, she rang her husband and told him, the husband said, whatever you do don't spank him.

 

[An Ankoù]

This is going to go down in history as the worst thread ever.

 

[Chippy_Tea]

Tommy Cooper -
A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says: ‘I want five pounds of potatoes please.’ And the greengrocer says: ‘We only sell kilos.’ So the man says: ‘Alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.’

 

[foxy]

Tommy Cooper -
A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says: ‘I want five pounds of potatoes please.’ And the greengrocer says: ‘We only sell kilos.’ So the man says: ‘Alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.’

That really happened to me when I traveled up to Sydney with an Irish rugby fan we went into a bar and he asked for 2 pots of VB (pots is what was served in Victoria, VB Victoria Bitter) the barman said we only have schooners so he said well I'll have 2 pots of schooners. True story.

 

[Brewed_Force]

I see they've brought out a new after-shave for introverts, it's called Leave Me The Fu Cologne.......

 

[St00]

I see they've brought out a new after-shave for introverts, it's called Leave Me The Fu Cologne.......

That's getting used.

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot

 

[the baron]

Whats brown and sticky?
A Stick

 

[MmmBeer]

I got expelled from Weight Watchers yesterday. And it wasn't even my fault, it was the woman next to me who spilt the family box of malteasers onto the table we were all sat around.

I merely commented that it was the funniest game of hungry hungry hippos I had ever seen....

 

[Chippy_Tea]

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.”

His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”

 

[the baron]

I got expelled from Weight Watchers yesterday. And it wasn't even my fault, it was the woman next to me who spilt the family box of malteasers onto the table we were all sat around.

I merely commented that it was the funniest game of hungry hungry hippos I had ever seen....

Not nice the PC Police will have you

 

[Grizzly Notations]

I can't tell my jokes here

 

[Dutto]

Back in the day when all there was to drink in Scotland was beer rated by the "Shilling System", a Glasgow Celtic Fan visited Rome where his Team were playing AS Roma.

He got off the plane, wandered down to a Bar and looked in wonder at the variety of drinks available. When the Barman asked him what he wanted to drink he replied "Whit daes the Pope drink?" and on being told that The Pope normally drank Creme de Menthe replied "Ahl hae a pint o' creme de menthe then."



http://www.scottishbrewing.com/history/shilling.php

 

[hichaechoc]

That'll have been the trip that another fan crawled off the plane, got a taxi home to be asked by the wee wummin "Where's the car?"

 

[Rodcx500z]

I got kicked out of b&q last week after I asked the young lady assistant how much a maul was

 

[Rodcx500z]

To all the non drinkers in this world, when you wake up that's the best your going feel all day

 

[Rodcx500z]

I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

 

[johncrobinson]

It is TRULY sad to think "When I wake up thats the best Im going to feel all day"
Puts W.C.Fields in perspective.