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Dutto

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True Story! (Reminded by the above tale of the sailor.)

We had just arrived in Alexandra Dock in Hull and finished all of our chores when the 2nd Mate said to me "Fancy a pint?"

It was getting close to the 3pm closing time but the thirst was on us, so we put a lick on and almost ran along the dock-side and through the Gates to the Alexandra Pub.

We arrived at a run through the doors into an almost empty bar and the 2nd Mate gasped out "Two pints of bitter please." only to be met with a wave towards the pump handles that were draped with a bar rag and "Sorry love but the towels up."

The 2nd Mate in his very precise English accent declared "Madam, I am not interested in your menstrual cycle, I just want two pints of bitter please."

We didn't get served, but a few of the regulars in the bar just about choked on their beer!
 

MmmBeer

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Walkers have confimed that 22 workers at their Leicester crisp factory have tested positive for cronavirus.


At least the crisps in their packets manage to stay socially distanced.
 

Coffin Dodger

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True story.

During my National Service I was posted to RAF College Cranwell in Lincolnshire, where many of the pubs were supplied by James Hole and Co’s brewery in nearby Newark. This gave all the comedians in the area the opportunity to go into a pub, ogle the barmaid, and ask her “Have you got any Holes darling?”
 

Dutto

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Can't guarantee the veracity but here's the alleged report from a Trainee Pilot at Cranwell.

"I came in to land as per normal but overshot the runway due to a totally unexpected gust of wind. The wind had not been forecasted; it increased my landing speed and also the point at which I touched down on the runway.

I braked, but the nose wheel of the aircraft was torn off when I left the runway and the rear wheels slid along the grass with zero traction.

The right wing of the aircraft was torn off by an upright as the aircraft went through the perimeter fence, the left wing was torn off as the fuselage narrowly missed one of the landing lights; and I then lost control of the aircraft."


You just know he went on to be an Air-Marshall or higher!
 

foxy

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Another old military one.

A colonel was returning to his quarters after a regimental dinner and a few to many he vomited down the front of his dress uniform. Embarrassed he walked into his quarters where his batman was waiting and blustering to the batman he said, 'Remind me in the morning to give the squaddie who vomited down the front of my uniform 20 days jankers'

The next morning the bat man was handing the colonel his hat as he was leaving said, 'Last night sir you asked me to remind you to give that squaddie 20 days jankers. But if I were you sir I would give him 40 days'. The colonel asked, 'Why so'. The batman replied, 'Because he shat in your pants as well'
 

Cestrian

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob….’
Bob was stunned.
'I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home….
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Bob the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ‘
‘Never,’ said Bob.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…..
‘BOB, wake up……. You’ve crapped the bed!
 

Coffin Dodger

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On a Royal visit to Australia, Prince Charles was asked to open a new hospital at Wagga Wagga. He arrived with his entourage, immaculate as ever, but on his head was a strange creation a bit like Davy Crockett's, but made from a fox’s skin not a raccoon's, with its brush hanging down behind.

Nobody liked to comment on it, but as he was leaving the mayor couldn’t contain his curiosity. “I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it Your Highness” he said, “but isn’t that rather an uncomfortable hat to be wearing in this heat?”

“Oh, that was Mummy’s suggestion” he said. “She asked me on the phone yesterday where I was visiting next, and when I told her it was Wagga Wagga she said ‘Wear the Fox Hat’, so I did”.
 

Shirley Bassett

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A cat walks into the job centre and says to the assistant at the desk, “I need a job quickly as I’m about be evicted”.

The assistant says, “F**k me a talking cat. There’s a Circus in town, I’m sure I can get you a job with them”.

The cat replies, “That’s fantastic, but does the Circus need a plumber?”.
 

LED_ZEP

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I was drinking in a pub in London in the early 90's that actually sold John Smiths hand pulled bitter. The young american barmaid pulled first pint and it was just flat and I pointed out that up north we like a bigger head on a pint. She very kindly let me draw a pint to demonstrate what I meant. The next pint she pulled was spot on.
Later she was down the other end of the bar so I started to order a pint from the nearby barman when this loud shout went up:
"If you want good head just ask me!"
The pub went quiet, she realised what she had said, her face went bright red she ran and hid in the kitchen, returning after two minutes to loud cheers.
 

Shirley Bassett

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True Story.

i used to have a site contact at a solvent recycling plant in Liverpool who was named Michael Hunt. He was the Environmental Manager and was a PhD. He also insisted on being called Mike.

We used to ring the Company on a regular basis and ask for Mr Michael Hunt. The female receptionist would always correct our error with “Don’t you mean Dr Mike Hunt?”.
 

trueblue

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Little Johnny and his bigger sister were sitting at the bottom of the garden. Not the brightest spark he asks his sister about the difference between boys and girls with the result being I'll show you mine if you show me yours. After staring at his sister for a few mins. he said is that it, there's nothing there look what I've got he said proudly waving his manhood don't you wish you had one like me, she replied according to Mum when I grow up with what I've got I can get as many of those I want.
 

Coffin Dodger

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Anyone like bum jokes, I have piles.
That reminds me of the banner on the medical student’s float in Manchester University’s Rag Day parade. It ran “Give us some of your money. We know you have piles”.
 

Shirley Bassett

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A young girl runs into the kitchen from outside and frantically shouts, “mum have you got any cider?”.

Her mother replies, “why do you want some cider?”.

The young girl opens her hand and shows her mother that she a large rose thorn stuck in her palm.

Her mother says, “but why to you want Cider?”.

The young girl replies, “well last night, I overheard big sis say to her boyfriend, if she ever gets a prick in the palm of her hand, she always puts it in cider.”.
 

Gerryjo

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True Story.

i used to have a site contact at a solvent recycling plant in Liverpool who was named Michael Hunt. He was the Environmental Manager and was a PhD. He also insisted on being called Mike.

We used to ring the Company on a regular basis and ask for Mr Michael Hunt. The female receptionist would always correct our error with “Don’t you mean Dr Mike Hunt?”.
Stop it😂😂😂
 
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