Quantcast

Joke of the day.

Help Support The HomeBrew Forum:

foxy

Landlord.
Joined
Nov 12, 2013
Messages
2,494
Reaction score
1,253
My wife bought me a pair of slippers for my birthday and as a novelty gift a packet of flavoured frangers. I told her we would give them a run tonight, that night my wife disappeared under the bed clothes and promptly came back up, saying, I didn't expect there to be a cheese and onion flavour, I said hold your horses gal I haven't got one on yet.
 

Coffin Dodger

Vintage Brewer
Supporting Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2019
Messages
205
Reaction score
173
Location
Dartmoor
A man died and was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of torment – the rack which was to stretch him in agony for ever – he passed a side room where a lawyer was being intimately entertained by a beautiful young woman.

‘This is unfair’ said the dead man. ‘Why have I got to spend eternity stretched on a rack among flames, while that lawyer spends all eternity with that beautiful young woman?’

The Devil prodded him with his pitchfork. ‘Silence’ he snarled. ‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’
 

foxy

Landlord.
Joined
Nov 12, 2013
Messages
2,494
Reaction score
1,253
A lawyer wakes up from surgery and asks the nurse why the blinds were closed, the nurse replied, there's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think you had died.
 

Coffin Dodger

Vintage Brewer
Supporting Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2019
Messages
205
Reaction score
173
Location
Dartmoor
A man sitting in a restaurant looks up from the menu he’s reading, and says to the waiter ‘I’ll have the fried Pissholes please’.

The waiter, surprised, takes the menu, checks it, and says to the man ‘You’ve misread the name of the dish Sir, it starts with an ‘R’ not a ‘P’.

‘Sorry’ says the man, ‘I’ll have the fried Arseholes then’.
 

Coffin Dodger

Vintage Brewer
Supporting Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2019
Messages
205
Reaction score
173
Location
Dartmoor
Question: A man walked into Rick Stein’s up-market seafood restaurant in Padstow, surveyed the menu, and said ‘Arseholes’ to the waiter - twice. Which two words did he then add, and offended nobody?

Answer: ‘caught locally?’
 

foxy

Landlord.
Joined
Nov 12, 2013
Messages
2,494
Reaction score
1,253
I heard this is Vlad the impaler's favourite joke.

"So this bar goes into this guy, see..."
 

Old Geezer

Well-Known Member
Joined
Apr 13, 2020
Messages
101
Reaction score
81
Location
Dorset
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help.

Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply:

"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
 

foxy

Landlord.
Joined
Nov 12, 2013
Messages
2,494
Reaction score
1,253
My wife asked me why I was always whispering at home. I said that I was worried that Mark Zuckerberg was listening. My wife laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed and Siri laughed. We all laughed.
 

samale

Landlord.
Joined
Mar 6, 2019
Messages
1,835
Reaction score
1,142
What do you call a snow man playing the piano.......
Melting John
Christmas cracker joke
 

Coffin Dodger

Vintage Brewer
Supporting Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2019
Messages
205
Reaction score
173
Location
Dartmoor
Notice seen on the back of a car. Under a picture of Yoda:

IF MY DRIVING LIKE YOU NOT

A s**t DON’T I GIVE.
 

foxy

Landlord.
Joined
Nov 12, 2013
Messages
2,494
Reaction score
1,253
A guy is lying in bed with his new girlfriend after a bout of fantastic sex, him laying back hands under his head. Her continuously gently massaging his balls, eventually he says to her why do you like doing that. She reply's I really miss mine.
 

foxy

Landlord.
Joined
Nov 12, 2013
Messages
2,494
Reaction score
1,253
A guy walks into a bar with a six shooter, brandishing it above his head he asks, Who in here has been sleeping with my wife. A voice from the back says, Have you got enough ammo?
 
Top