My wife bought me a pair of slippers for my birthday and as a novelty gift a packet of flavoured frangers. I told her we would give them a run tonight, that night my wife disappeared under the bed clothes and promptly came back up, saying, I didn't expect there to be a cheese and onion flavour, I said hold your horses gal I haven't got one on yet.
A man died and was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of torment – the rack which was to stretch him in agony for ever – he passed a side room where a lawyer was being intimately entertained by a beautiful young woman.
‘This is unfair’ said the dead man. ‘Why have I got to spend eternity stretched on a rack among flames, while that lawyer spends all eternity with that beautiful young woman?’
The Devil prodded him with his pitchfork. ‘Silence’ he snarled. ‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’
Man sitting at a table in a restaurant reading the menu.
A waitress walks up to the table and says "Ready to order sir?"
The man replies "My wife's just popped to the toilet."
The waitress "Any idea what she's having?"
The man says"Well its been 10 minutes, so probably a s**t!"
A guy is lying in bed with his new girlfriend after a bout of fantastic sex, him laying back hands under his head. Her continuously gently massaging his balls, eventually he says to her why do you like doing that. She reply's I really miss mine.