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Joke of the day.

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Hagrid

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We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (we won't name them) we went to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought what in the world is that? Has something got in the bag? We thought we could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers,
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!! 😂😬
 

Spratt

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There's the legend of U2 playing in Glasgow:

midway through a song the band stops and Bono stands centre stage, clapping slowly.

After a minute or so he says “every time I clap my hands a child dies in Africa"

Anywhere else there would be a reverential silence.

In Glasgow someone in the audience shouts out “well stop f*****g clapping, you c**t"
 

Spratt

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A man is walking through town and spots a pub. There are signs everywhere that say “Free beer for life!”

He walks in and asks the bartender what he has to do in order to receive free beer for life.

The bartender says” you must drink this entire Gallon of tequila, pull the tooth from an alligator out back who has a toothache, then you must go upstairs and have relations with the ugliest woman to ever live.”

The man says “sounds easy. Hand me the tequila,sir.”

The man drinks the entire gallon of tequila as quick as he can.

He later stumbles out back to the alligator.

The inside of the pub hears a ton of wild racket coming from out back.

A few minutes of this and then it's silent.

Then the man comes stumbling back into the bar, his clothes torn up and has a few cuts and bruises.

He yells out” Alright, now where's that lady with a toothache?!”
 

Hagrid

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It’s really important that sky divers don’t panic.
Just remember, if your main canopy doesn’t open - you’ve got the rest of your life to sort the problem.
 

Barley Rubble

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RETIREMENT BONUS

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of £1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000....

The second officer, who was a little smarter, asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms raised above his head down to his toes. He walked away with £96,000....

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker, who when asked, where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques that the two previous officers had received. But the old Chief Stoker insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em, which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis, and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Old Chief Stoker calmly replied " The Falkland Isles!"
 

Ninkasi

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"The suggestion that athletes taking drugs can enhance their performance by doing so is utter nonsense. I entered the Great North Run last year and just before the start I had a couple of skunk spliffs. Two days later I woke up in a park in Berwick covered in kebab salad and missing a shoe, having ran in completely the opposite direction to the finishing line". (Viz)
 

Barley Rubble

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I was in my local pub last night, enjoying a nice cold beer, when this large butt ugly woman came up to me, slapped me on the back, and said, " How about giving me your number handsome?"

"Have you got a pen?" I asked.... "Yes" she replied.

"Well you better get back into it, before the farmer finds out you're missing!"
 
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