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MmmBeer

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A man and his wife visit a restaurant and while looking through the menu he notices that all the waiters had a full set of cutlery in their top pockets. When one comes to take their order he asks why and is told that all the waiters were maths students at the university and they had calculated that one in five diners drops a piece of cutlery on the floor whilst dining and by having the right item to hand rather than having to rush off to the kitchen each time, saved one man hour every night.
Sure enough, when eating her soup, his wife drops her spoon and has it immediately replaced.
When paying the bill the man praises the service and the staff's forward thinking. Then he asks why all the waiters had a piece of string going in through their flies. The waiter replies that they also calculated that they each needed to urinate an average of twice per shift, so if they could avoid making physical contact with their private parts, they could save a further quarter of a man hour each night by not having to wash hands each time, so the string is tied around the old chap, unzip, a pull on the string and its ready to go. The man again thinks this is very clever, but then asks how they manage to put it away without using hands. The waiter replies, well I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.
 

Banbeer

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On that note.............. a waiter brings a bowl of soup over to a table and the customer says 'Hey you have your thumb in my soup' the waiter says 'the doctor told me that with the infection I have I need to keep it warm' the customer replies 'why don't you stick it up your a**e' and the waiter says I only do that whilst i'm in the kitchen.
 

Jcb jones

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
 

Spratt

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A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
 

Spratt

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A man is going into a pub, there is a nun stood outside, as he gets to the door she says:
‘You are entering the devils house, if you go in you will be in hell for eternity, it is not too late to repent and save your soul’.
He looks at her and says: ‘You What?’
She replies: ‘You are going in to partake of the devils brew, it will destroy you, both in this life and after, repent now, stop the drinking, and save yourself.’
He says: ‘I am only going in for a pint, how would you know, have you ever tried a drink?’
The Nun replies: ‘I have never taking such a substance, my life is dedicated to my faith and church’
The man says: ‘If you have never tried then how can you comment, I will get you a drink to try, if you think it is as bad as you say it is, then I would consider what you are saying, if you agree what drink would you like?’
The nun: ‘If it means that you would repent then I would try the devils brew, but I know nothing about drinking or what to try’
The man replies: ‘OK, most woman like gin, did you want to try that?’
The Nun: ‘Yes, but can you have it put into a cup? I would not want anyone to see me in case they thought I was being tempted by the devil.
The man goes into the pub and up to the bar.
The landlord says: ‘Evening, what can I get you?
The man ‘ A pint of bitter please, and a large gin, but could I have the gin in a cup?

The Landlord: ‘THAT BLOODY NUN IS OUT THERE AGAIN’
 

Northern_Brewer

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News of a reliable Covid test comes courtesy of TXFlyGuy over on AHA :


1. Pour yourself a beer, and see if you can smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can both smell and taste the beer, this confirms you don't have COVID-19.

Last night, I did the test 13 times, and all were negative.

Tonight I'm going to repeat the test because this morning I woke up with a terrible headache, muscle aches, and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.....
 

Avo

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Just to let everybody know, I’ve volunteered for one of the vaccine trials for Covid19.

This vaccine was made by a major Russian Pharmaceutical company.
I received my first shot this morning and wanted to let you know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.
 

Spratt

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Alf and Sid, both in their nineties, used to meet every morning at the park to talk about old times and their shared passion for cricket.
“D’you think they play cricket in Heaven?” asked Alf.
“Dunno” said Sid, “but I tell you what, the first of us that gets there should let the other one know.”

A few months passed and Alf popped his clogs.
Sid carried on going to the park and one day he heard a voice,
“Helloooooo Sid”
“Who’s that?”
“It’s Alf. You can’t see me Sid, but I can see you.”
“Alf” said Sid, “do they play cricket in heaven?”

“Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we do play cricket in Heaven. The bad news is that you are in the first eleven tomorrow.”
 

Cestrian

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I've been running for a while now and I really want to meet Mo Farah, because I've got a new overtaking technique I want to run past him.
 

Barley Rubble

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A 5 tear old girl is usually driven to school everyday by her Grandfather, but when he had a bad cold, her Grandmother drove her instead.

That evening, the little girl told her parents that the drive to school with Nanna, was very different.

"What made it different?" asked her parents.

"Well", she said, "Nanna and I didn't see a single ******, blind bastard, foreign prick, or ******, anywhere on the way to school today!"
 

Horners

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Just got back from the big Sainsbury's and saw a bloke with 4 cases of San Miguel in his trolley, about half a dozen chorizos, 10 bags of paella rice, and a sombrero.

Thought to myself....Hispanic buying.
 

jjsh

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What you have to understand is that when a woman days she will be ready in fifteen minutes; she'll be ready in fifteen minutes. There's no need to keep reminding her every half hour.
 

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