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Spratt

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
 

Spratt

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Little Jenny had an adored budgie. One day she came down for breakfast and the budgie was laying on the bottom of the cage with its feet in the air. Jenny is very upset and asks her dad why the budgie is lying there with its feet in the air. Jenny’s dad explains that when a budgie dies it lies like that so that G-d can reach down and take it up to Heaven. Jenny is very happy that the budgie is going to heaven. a few days later Jenny’s daddy comes home from work to be greeted by a very excited Jenny.
“Daddy” she say excitedly, “we almost lost Mummy to Heaven today!”
“What do you mean?”
“Well when I came home from school Mummy was lying on the bed with her legs in the air, and if it hadn’t been for Uncle Jake the milkman lying on top of her Heaven would have taken her like my budgie!!!!”
 

Banbeer

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I was talking to the wife last night and I said 'did you know that having sex is the equivilent to a 6 mile run', she turned to me and said 'who the hell runs 6 miles in 30 seconds' :confused.:
 

Barley Rubble

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I was at the gym the other night when I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in.......

Anyway, she's made a formal complaint and I'm now banned for life!
 

MmmBeer

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Can't we move beyond all these misogynist jokes? We do have ladies here.
In these difficult times that this thread was started to help us all through, with humour.

All members are welcome to post jokes on here.

So please post something funny, before trying to bring us all down with critisism.
 

Barley Rubble

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Well I hope this joke is acceptable to all the snowflakes..... its a Christmassy theme. Here goes......

No Nativity this year because the 3 wise men face a travel ban.
The Shepherds have been furloughed.
The Inn Keeper has shut under Tier 3 Regulations and had a slump in bookings.
Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen.
As for Rudolph, with that red nose, he should be isolating and taking a yest.
 

Spratt

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A well-heeled gentleman walks into a pet store in London looking to buy a dog. “Something unique,” he tells the shop owner.
“Come this way,” says the shopkeeper, and leads the man to the back of the store and to a small, mangy-looking dog in a cage.
“What’s this?” The man asks.
“That, my dear sir, is a Rarie. Only a handful are known to exist.”
“I said I was looking for something unique, not a street mutt.”
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but the Rarie has a special talent. He’s a talking dog.”
“A talking dog?” the man asks dubiously. “Have him say something then.”
“Oh, he can’t talk yet; he’s just a pup. But take him home, care for him well, and by the time he’s an adult he’ll start talking.”
“Interesting,” says the man. “How much?”
“Five thousand pounds.”
So the man pays the shopkeeper and takes the dog home.
As per the shop owner’s instructions, he brushes the dog daily, feeds him a rich diet, and allows him to sleep in his bed.
After one year the dog has grown to an impressive size, but has not uttered a word.
So the man waits another year. “Come on boy,” the man encourages. “Say something.”
But the dog just lets out a huff and walks away. This goes on year after year.
After five years the man is exasperated. He calls the shop and demands his money back. The shopkeeper informs him there are no refunds.
The man slams down the phone, eyes the sleeping dog, and says, “Well then I’ll be rid of you once and for all.”
He drives the dog to the mountains, parks atop the highest peak, and drags him by the collar to the edge of a cliff. He’s about to hurl the dog over the side when he hears a voice.
“‘Hello,” says the dog. “What’s all this then?”
“I’ve had you for five years and you haven’t said a word,” says the man in a deranged voice. “So I’m going to tip you over the edge of this cliff.”
“You’re going to do what?” asks the dog. “Tip me over this cliff?!?”
“That’s right,” says the man.

The dog looks down over the precipice. “My, that’s a long way to tip a Rarie.”
 

Spratt

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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing mate. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make them feel good. He would never answer back even if they were in the wrong. And his clothing was so immaculate even his shoes were highly polished. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian he died I'm married to his widow."
 

Spratt

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A dog walks into a building site, goes to the site manager’s portakabin and asks him if he has any jobs going,

The site manager is dumbfounded, but quickly gains his composure and says to the dog:- Why a job here? Find the nearest circus and I am sure they will pay you far more than I could!

The dog looks at the the man and asks:- Why would a circus need a bricklayer?
 
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Spratt

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It was Friday evening in Brussels and three Eurocrats were having a drink after work. As they didn't all speak each other's language they used English as the common tongue.
Talk came round to their plans for the weekend. Pierre explained that he was taking the little ones to Disneyland Paris.
Luigi explained that he was going to the beach with his wife and the bambinos.
Hans said that he and his wife would go walking in the hills together. "We have no children, as my wife is , - oh what is the word - unbearable"
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Pierre "though I think the word you mean is, inconceivable"
"You have my sympathy" said Luigi "though, actually the word you need is, impregnable"
 

Stonedhouse

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Customer: I'd like some deodorant please.
Shop assistant: Ball or aerosol?
Customer: Neither, it's for my armpits.
 

chesters-mild

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The OhooMaGoolie bird is very rare, the male has very large testicles, which hang down further than it's feet and a rather curious song as it lands
OhooMaGoolies, OhooMaGoolies, OhooMaGoolies!
 

Banbeer

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I went to the opticians in 2010 and was asked to look into a big machine and tell the optician what I saw.
I said:-
"Pubs are closed
People wearing masks
And a Chinese person eating an uncooked bat".

the optician looked at me and said "You don't need glasses, you have 2020 vision"
 

Markk

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I went to the opticians in 2010 and was asked to look into a big machine and tell the optician what I saw.
I said:-
"Pubs are closed
People wearing masks
And a Chinese person eating an uncooked bat".

the optician looked at me and said "You don't need glasses, you have 2020 vision"
very good
 
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