Joke of the day.

[jjsh]

I sold my vacuume cleaner today. All it was doing was collecting dust.

 

[Coffin Dodger]

The OhooMaGoolie bird is very rare, the male has very large testicles, which hang down further than it's feet and a rather curious song as it lands
OhooMaGoolies, OhooMaGoolies, OhooMaGoolies!

And here, walking along the forest floor, is the Oofle Doofle bird. The Oofle Doofle bird has one wing slightly longer than the other. It walks because if it attempts to fly, it does so in ever-decreasing circles until it disappears up its own fundamental orifice in a cloud of **** and feathers.

Oh we’re off to see the Wild West Show . . . . etc.

 

[foxy]

Oh we’re off to see the Wild West Show . . . . etc.

Oh we’re off to see the Wild West Show the elephant and the kangaroo, never mind the weather as long as were together were off to see the wild west show.
And here we have the giraffe, the giraffe, fantastic. Every time it walks into a bar it says, 'The high balls are on me'

 

[Coffin Dodger]

Showman: In this cage, ladies and gentlemen, we have the Leo-pard.

Crowd: The Leo-pard. Fantastic! (Alternative version: What the f***s that then?)

Showman: The Leo-pard has 365 spots, one for every day of the year. What’s that Madam, what about leap year? Lift the leopard’s tail Fred, and show the lady February the twenty-ninth!

 

[Coffin Dodger]

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

[Shirley Bassett]

A friend of mine was on the bus on his way to work when he farted. He said he felt like he was on The Voice, because four people turned around.

 

[samale]

 

[Markk]

As the traffic wardens coffin was being lowered into the ground a voice from inside screams “help, I’m not dead, I’m not dead, let me out!”.
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
“Too f**king late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”

 

[Pablosaurus]

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?

He's a small medium at large.

 

[MmmBeer]

"Doctor, I've been having terrible problems with my memory."

"Could you give me an example?"

"Yesterday I spent 2 hours wandering around a multi-storey car park trying to remember where I had parked my car."

"That's perfectly common, everyone does that occasionaly."

"But I don't even own a car."

 

[MrRook]

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?

He's a small medium at large.

Or the midget who got kicked out of the nudest camp?

He kept sticking his nose in everyone else's business.

 

[Banbeer]

I had a knock on the door and when I opened it a policeman had a photo, he asked 'is this your wife sir' I said 'yes it is' and he said 'it looks like she's been hit by a bus sir', I said 'yes I know but she takes it up the ar5e and is excellent with the kids'

 

[Banbeer]

Just found out that my grandad is addicted to Viagra.............No ones taken it harder than grandma.

 

[Cestrian]

My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him to one side and sheepishly asked "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the carpark."

 

[simon12]

 

[Markk]

 

[Coffin Dodger]

Post deleted.

The mods received a complaint earlier stating -

Not sure this sort of borderline racist 'joke' is funny.....

It was one of those jokes we would probably have laughed at in the days of the TV show "love they neighbour" but things have moved on a fair bit since then.

Just to clarify this was a play on words not a racist post by Coffin Dodger.

 

[Coffin Dodger]

How touchy can people be. I heard those gags on 'Wake up to Wogan' on Radio 2.

 

[Chippy_Tea]

How touchy can people be.

I guess that depends on how offended you are by mild racism, it being told on radio 2 doesn't make it any less offensive.

I don't police the joke forum (i don't have that much spare time) but if someone reports a post we must make a decision on its content.

 

[Markk]

Every joke has the potential to upset someone.

I knew a girl once who lost both parents in a horrific car accident. A head on collision with another vehicle which was travelling in the opposite direction on the wrong side of the road. The reason it was on the wrong side of the road is because it had just swerved to avoid a Chicken crossing the road............

no, that isn’t true, but you get the point.