Joke of the day.
- Thread starter foxy
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MmmBeer
Member
I know that many Scots worshipped Maradonna after the hand of god incident knocked England out of the world cup, but I think the young Nicola Sturgeon took that too far when she met him.
DavidHatton
Junior Member
Thats getting copied hahahaha
foxy
Landlord.
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I thought it was the Clitheroe Kid.
Avo
Active Member
That was actually Nicola practicing her farewell speech in anticipation of a successful Indyref 2
SAD NEWS. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with a patient and can now no longer work in the profession he loved. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
A man goes to his doctor complaining about headaches. The doctor explains it's due to blood flow, and he has three options.
“I could remove half of your heart to limit the blood flow, that should fix it.”
The man cries out “no, I don't want to be a Tory supporter!”
“Well then, I could remove half your brain to reduce the pressure, that should also do the trick.”
The man cries out “no, I don't want to be a Labour supporter!”
“Well the final option is for me to remove your testicles to fix the hormone imbalance.”
The man thinks for a moment, and says “okay, I'll go with that option.”
The doctor smiles and says “I knew you were a Lib Dem.”
“I could remove half of your heart to limit the blood flow, that should fix it.”
The man cries out “no, I don't want to be a Tory supporter!”
“Well then, I could remove half your brain to reduce the pressure, that should also do the trick.”
The man cries out “no, I don't want to be a Labour supporter!”
“Well the final option is for me to remove your testicles to fix the hormone imbalance.”
The man thinks for a moment, and says “okay, I'll go with that option.”
The doctor smiles and says “I knew you were a Lib Dem.”
An Englishman, a Welsh man, and a Scotsman all pray to God.
The Englishman asks when England will next win the World Cup, and God tells him it will be 2088. He says “but I'll be dead by then!”
The Welsh man asks when Wales will win the World Cup, and God tells him it will be 2102. He says “but I'll be dead by then!”
Finally the Scotsman asks when Scotland will win the World Cup, and God tells him “I’ll be dead by then.”
The Englishman asks when England will next win the World Cup, and God tells him it will be 2088. He says “but I'll be dead by then!”
The Welsh man asks when Wales will win the World Cup, and God tells him it will be 2102. He says “but I'll be dead by then!”
Finally the Scotsman asks when Scotland will win the World Cup, and God tells him “I’ll be dead by then.”
The beginning of the following joke is often met with a gasp as I start to tell it but hopefully I’m in the clear:
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani are all sitting in the waiting room of the maternity hospital when the doctor walks in to apologise and explain that there’s been a bit of a mix up on the maternity ward and they can’t now say for sure who’s baby is who’s. In a attempt to allow paternal instincts to solve this issue it is decided they will go in one by one to see if they can identify their child. The English goes in first and emerges moments later with what is clearly the Pakistani child. The Pakistani gentleman tells him so to which he replies “l’m sorry mate, but one of those two in there is Welsh and I’m not taking any chances”.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani are all sitting in the waiting room of the maternity hospital when the doctor walks in to apologise and explain that there’s been a bit of a mix up on the maternity ward and they can’t now say for sure who’s baby is who’s. In a attempt to allow paternal instincts to solve this issue it is decided they will go in one by one to see if they can identify their child. The English goes in first and emerges moments later with what is clearly the Pakistani child. The Pakistani gentleman tells him so to which he replies “l’m sorry mate, but one of those two in there is Welsh and I’m not taking any chances”.
Three solders line up on sick parade. In walks the medic, very Sargent major like, and bellows out whos first. Up steps the first squady
Name?
Smith sir
Whats wrong Smith?
Piles sir
Drop your trousers solder
after a quick look
OK I will give you some cream but what else do you need to do.
Scrub the infected area with the wire brush twice a day then get my self fit for queen and country sir.
Good man, next
Name?
Jones sir
Whats wrong Jones?
The pox sir
Drop you trousers solder
after a quick look
Ok I will give you some pills but what else do you need to do
Scrub the infected area twice a day with the wire brush then get myself fit for queen and county sir.
Good man next
Name?
Davis sir
Whats wrong Davis
Gum infection sir
Open your mouth
after a quick look
OK I will give you some pills but what else do you need to do?
Get to the wire brush before those two bastards sir.
Name?
Smith sir
Whats wrong Smith?
Piles sir
Drop your trousers solder
after a quick look
OK I will give you some cream but what else do you need to do.
Scrub the infected area with the wire brush twice a day then get my self fit for queen and country sir.
Good man, next
Name?
Jones sir
Whats wrong Jones?
The pox sir
Drop you trousers solder
after a quick look
Ok I will give you some pills but what else do you need to do
Scrub the infected area twice a day with the wire brush then get myself fit for queen and county sir.
Good man next
Name?
Davis sir
Whats wrong Davis
Gum infection sir
Open your mouth
after a quick look
OK I will give you some pills but what else do you need to do?
Get to the wire brush before those two bastards sir.
Some countries have the weirdest restrictions
What did Cinderella doe when she got to the BALL?????
gag
ScrumpyRam
Active Member
Man goes to the doctors and says I'm suffering from an hereditary disease.
Doctor: What's wrong?
Man: I've got diarrhoea
Doctor: That's not hereditary
Man: Well it's in my jeans
Doctor: What's wrong?
Man: I've got diarrhoea
Doctor: That's not hereditary
Man: Well it's in my jeans
