Joke of the day.

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Spratt

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A travelling sales rep was driving through the countryside and spotted a nice little pub ahead and decided to pop in for a drink and a pub lunch.

He goes up to the bar and asks if they are serving any traditional roast dinners. Sure says the bartender, we’ve got a nice roast beef dinner with all the trimmings, really popular, folk travel miles for these, it’s prime beef cooked to perfection, all the traditional trimmings, roast potatoes, mash, home grown veg, and of course huge Yorkshire puddings, and delicious home made gravy,

Blimey says the rep, well impressed, ”sounds great, how much is it?"

Nine pence answers the bar tender

Nine Pence?!!! exclaims the rep, very funny, how much is it really?

Ninepence he repeats. ”oh this is ridiculous” exclaims the exasperated customer, "How on Earth can you only charge 9p for a beautiful meal like that - I want to see the manager" he demanded. ”Where is he?"

He’s upstairs with my wife, says the bartender

What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

“The same as I’m doing downstairs to his business!!" the bartender replied.
 

Cestrian

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Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.
 

MmmBeer

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon……

‘F*** off’ she said, ‘they're for the funeral
 

Cestrian

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Just found out my uncle is addicted to viagra!

My aunt has been taking it hard.
 

Donegal john

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Took some viagara last night but i accidentally got some in my eye.
Gave the wife a good hard stare for 4!hours.
 

Cestrian

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If a man speaks his mind in a forest and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
 

Chippy_Tea

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Sorry to be a kill joy but i dont find animals getting hurt funny.
She should be reported to the RSPCA for letting her dog get that close to an electric fence i assume there were warning signs and that's why she didnt touch it.


Legal regulations
In addition to the fact that your energiser must meet the safety standards, you fence must also comply with a number of conditions:
Warning sign

  • You should not use more than one energiser on a fence at any one time;
  • The energiser’s earthing must be at least 10m away from the earthing of the mains;
  • Try to avoid having electric fence wires running under, or parallel to, the overground high-voltage cables or telephone cables;
  • If crossing is unavoidable, make the angle near the conductors as straight as possible;
  • If an electric fence is adjacent to accessible walking paths, warning signs must be used every 50m (which must be 200mm x 100mm, with a letter size of 25mm);
  • The distance between two electric fences must be at least 3m.
 
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stubrewworx

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They're remaking 'Silence of The Lambs' in Liverpool. Its calleds 'Shut it yous'
 

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