Joke of the day.

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Chippy_Tea

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We have had a report about several posts in this thread i don't normally police it and as far as i know the other mods don't either, i don't want to start deleting posts as i am about to log off and have a couple of beers and i don't imagine the other mods want to either so can we all play nice for the rest of the night. ;)
 
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moto748

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My girlfriend and I have decided we don't want children.




We're going to tell later on tonight.
 

dad_of_jon

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chippy tell me you'll have something stronger than OP, it is friday night after all wink...
 

Spit

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My car wouldn't start this morning, so I took a look under the bonnet and was surprised to see a pair of pipistreles hanging from the engine cover.
The first said "My you're looking handsome today!"
To which the second added "And well dressed too."

I knew the problem straight away.

Bat flattery.
Bat flattery, excellent I've been sat I'm a tractor for 13 hrs today apart from getting on and off to pick about a ton of stones up been chuckling all day. Bar flattery thanks for keeping my pecker up.
 

Chippy_Tea

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chippy tell me you'll have something stronger than OP, it is friday night after all wink...
A couple of bottles of beer then as much wine as i can drink as we always have a cupboard full, to be honest that's not much these days especially on a work night when i have been up since 06:00.
 

Spratt

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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor...
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess..”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?”
Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time . !!
 

Stevieboy

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Four nuns die in a motorway pile up, and find themselves in the queue to get into heaven.
St Peter asks the first nun " Before entering Heaven my child, have you anything to confess?"
"Well I once touched a man's willy with my finger, it was a long time ago and I was very young"
St Peter replied "Wash your finger in the Holy Water, and enter"
The second nun steps up "I once groped a man's bottom - I was very young and naiive"
St Peter replied "Wash your hand in the Holy Water, and enter"
Then there was a jostling in the queue, and one of the nuns pushed in front of the other.
"What's going on here?" said St Peter
"Well I need to wash my mouth out, before Sister Mary here washes her a**e in the water"
 

RichardM

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Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino
 

Spratt

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A minister, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are playing golf when they get stuck behind a particularly slow foursome. They call over a groundskeeper and ask what the deal is. The groundskeeper says, “Those are four firefighters who were blinded in a terrible fire. We let them play here as a courtesy.”

The minister says, “That’s awful. I’ll pray for them in church this Sunday.”

The doctor says, “I know a famous eye surgeon. I’ll talk to him about their case.”

The lawyer says, “I’ll look into their settlement and make sure they got everything they deserve.”

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
 

Spratt

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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
 
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