Joke of the day.

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Subtle Duck

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Due to a security issue we had to change our login passwords today, it had to be 8 characters long. So I chose snow white and the Seven dwarves.
 

Horners

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Wife's just upped and left me as she can no longer put up with my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling canneloni right now.
 

Subtle Duck

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I've just managed to get the perfect thing for making good Indian flat breads.
It's a naan stick pan, from the makers of pilau cases and chapatio furniture.
 

nige

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My scan results came back today and so had to go to the doctors, they said I've got 200 bones more than a normal person. So when I got home I told my partner, she could not believe it till I reminded her I had a kipper for breakfast that day.
 

foxy

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I went to the doctors to have my prostrate checked, luckily it was fine. The doctor told me to keep a prostrate healthy engage in loads of sex and eat a handful of walnuts a day.
A couple of months later I went back to the doctor, the doctor asked how everything was. I told him I think my wife is trying to murder me!
 

Dutto

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Reminds me of the man complaining about his wife at work.

"She's a total slut." he said "Fat as a pig, won't do any cooking or washing up and even refuses to clean the house."

"Divorce her." said the mate. "Can't do that because we're Catholic." the man replied.

"Oh!" said the mate, and thought for a minute. "Wait on," he said "if your both Catholic then she can't refuse you your marital rights can she?" "No!" said the man "But I just don't fancy her!"

"Just bite on the bullet mate and keep pestering her for sex. She can't refuse you, in time you will kill her and the Police won't be able to do a thing about it. Sorted."

The man thought for a moment and asked "How long do you think it will take?" His mate thought about it and said "Three months tops if you go at it hard enough!"

The man pondered over this plan for the rest of the day and before he left work that evening he said cheerio to his mate with the words "I've quit my job and decided that I'll spend my time shagging the wife to death." he walked out like a man possessed.

It was about ten weeks later when the two workmates met at a local Tennis Club. The man who'd resigned was sat in a wheelchair at the side of a court so his workmate walked over to have a natter with him. Shocked that his old workmate was so thin and shaky he put on a brave face said "Hiya!" remembered why his mate had left work and continued with "How's the campaign going?" "Great!" replied the man "Everything is going to plan."

"Where's your missus then?" the workmate asked and looked around. The man in the wheelchair used a shaking finger to point towards a young lady who was bouncing around smashing tennis-balls back to her opponent and obviously winning the match.

"That's her." the man in the wheelchair said "There she is. The one at this end of the court." He shook his head ruefully and continued "It's hard to believe that she only has two weeks to live!"
 

foxy

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A wife was complaining to her friend that her husband seems to have lost interest in sex, the friend said go out buy some sexy lingerie and that'l turn him on. She went out and did just that, when her husband came home from work, he ordered her upstairs to the bedroom, she did as she was told, now he said remove your knickers and do a handstand in front of the mirror. Quivering with anticipation to having not only sex but something beyond the norm she did as she was told.
The husband grabbed her ankles opened her legs and placed his chin on the map of Tasmania.
Yes he said, the guys at work are right I would look good with a goatee!
 

foxy

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I used to throw up several times a day it stopped when i moved the dartboard from the ceiling to the wall. :coat:
Today a guy on the radio here was talking about when he saw Rambo First Blood 2 over in the UK and Rambo fired and the exploding arrow into the Viet Cong soldier, some wag in the theatre shouted out, 'One hundred and eighty'
 

Dutto

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Oh, that reminded me of seeing "Women in Love" in the cinema back in 1969.

Ripe figs were almost non-existent in the UK at that time so I presume that only myself and one other person in the audience, had ever seen one; at least only one other person laughed when Alan Bates looked his lady-love in the eye and took a huge bite out of one!

Then there was the one about the teenage girl that was sliding down the bannisters and caught herself on a nail.

In great pain she went to the Doctor to be sewn up and when he asked her "How big do you want it to be?" she replied "About as big as my Mum's."; so the Doctor advised her to go for another slide down the bannisters!
 

foxy

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A guy who traveled away regularly for work decided to get a dog as company for his wife, the wife was pleased and the dog was good company. After a few weeks the wife called her husband and says the dog doesn't seem to be hearing her commands. The husband replies that the dog maybe has to much hair inside his ears. He instructs his wife to go to the chemists and get some hair removal cream. This she did and the chemist explains the way to use the cream.
If its for your face don't leave the cream on for more than a minute, as it is caustic and will burn sensitive skin. For arms and legs don't leave on for more than 2 minutes. The wife replied its for my Schnauzer, to which the chemist replied, in that case don't ride a bicycle for a fortnight.
 

Drunkula

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How many sugars does Bob Marley have in his tea?

Just the one, love - and stir it up.

Yes, I wrote that after getting fed up of the usual one.
 
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