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Chippy_Tea

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“I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”

“I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
 

foxy

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Four old timers sitting around the fire of the local pub, one says,'What do you think the fastest thing is on earth' First one says, 'I think its a thought, just comes out of nowhere'. Second one says, 'I think its a blink, don't even have to think about it'. Third one says, 'I think its electricity, press a switch and the light comes on instantaneously'. Fourth one says, 'I think it's s**t, this morning lying in bed, before I had time to think, blink or switch the light on I s**t the bed'.
 

Dutto

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Two about farmers!

Old Arthur was leaning on a gate and shooting the breeze with his mate George from the next farm. There was a lull in the conversation and Arthur announced "See that lad of yours, young Fred, he's only gone and put my lass Peggy in the family way!" George had a think for a minute or so and then replies "That's nowt. He's a right clumsy sod is our Fred, only last week he broke a shovel."


Another time they were looking into a field when George pointed into the field and said "See 'ere Arthur, bain't that be t'old ram tha told me thee were getting rid of?" Arthur looked into the field and said "Aye, that's the one. Ee's over ten years old is that ram and last year he never tupped a single ewe so I took 'im to the vet to get 'im put down." "Well," said George, "I've just seen 'im tup six ewes on the trot so what 'appened?" "T'vet persuaded me to gi im sum treatment and sold me a dozen pills for a tenner. I give em to the ram and he's gone from strength to strength." "Bugger me," said George, "wot were in them pills?" "I dunno." said Arthur, "but they taste a lot like peppermint."
 

foxy

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Another time they were looking into a field when George pointed into the field and said "See 'ere Arthur, bain't that be t'old ram tha told me thee were getting rid of?" Arthur looked into the field and said "Aye, that's the one. Ee's over ten years old is that ram and last year he never tupped a single ewe so I took 'im to the vet to get 'im put down." "Well," said George, "I've just seen 'im tup six ewes on the trot so what 'appened?" "T'vet persuaded me to gi im sum treatment and sold me a dozen pills for a tenner. I give em to the ram and he's gone from strength to strength." "Bugger me," said George, "wot were in them pills?" "I dunno." said Arthur, "but they taste a lot like peppermint."
Reminds me of a true story what happened to me, I have a registered business in China which I sent goods through if they were a bit shady. A client asked me to source some Viagra he wanted $100,000 worth so not a small order. Got two sample packs ( packaging can give Chinese goods away) got the two packets with Product of USA on them and good packaging. Decided to test them just to make sure they were kosher, one said it lasted 72 hours took that with a pinch of salt but it did! At the end of the week my wife asked if there was anyone down the factory who was turning me on, we had had sex every night / morning and in between. I had employed a new young lady and hadn't told my wife as she always had to give her approval for any female staff. So she decided to come to work with me and check out the new female employee. I wasn't so bothered as she didn't dress up to much, flat shoes skirt height between her ankles and knees.
As we waited at the top of the loading bay in walked Elizabeth short Lycra skirt and high heels. I was gob smacked I had never seen her dress like that. My wife watched every step, the Lycra skirt showing she had a backside as tight as a snare drum. After she went into the office my wife turned to me giving me a withering look, for some reason I said the first thing that came into my head, "Looks like you are in for a good rogering tonight"
I explained to my wife about the Viagra as she didn't like to know anything about any shady dealings. She understood, but still sacked Elizabeth, absolute true story. As for the Viagra even though they did work they both gave me a blinding head ache. Got the order and 12% commission so all ended well.
 

the baron

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Dianne Abbot has asked the BBC and ITV to stop filming of the programmes so that the characters can help out with the hospitalisation of coronavirus victims
 

Dutto

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Also a true story about Viagra!

A man who used to employ me took his brother out to Bangkok on a weekend holiday and being a regular visitor he had already phoned ahead and ordered a couple of ladies for the night.

Just before they came in to land Peter (I hope he reads this :laugh8:) turned to his brother and handed him a super-strength Viagara. "What's this for?" asked the brother. "Get it down you." Peter replied "We land in ten minutes, allow fifteen minutes for the airport (they were travelling 1st Class) and another fifteen minutes for the taxi and we will be in bed with a couple of good looking young ladies in under an hour! Get it down you now."

His brother saw Peter wash his own pill down with the remains of a bottle of water and followed suit.

Sure enough, less than a minute later the "Seat Belts" sign came on. But rather than beginning their descent, the Pilot announced that due to an emergency at the airport, they were diverting to a second airport about thirty minutes flying time away from Bangkok and from their they would be transported back to Bangkok by bus!

Apparently the following two hours were embarrassing and occasionally painful as well.

Happy Days!
 

the baron

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I wasn't a fan at the end of his man city days but was initially a breath of fresh air and he could score some spectacular goals
 

Dutto

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The blonde went to the Doctor. When asked what the matter was she said "I hurt all over. Look!" and prodded herself on the chest, leg, arm etc and accompanied each prod with a scream of "Ouch!". When she started crying, the Doctor told her to stop and diagnosed a broken finger.
 

foxy

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Went to the doctors after the Viagra episode, the doctor asked if I had now gone off sex I said yes, he asked when I first noticed it, I said twice last night and then again this morning.
 

Dutto

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Two old soldiers were reminiscing about WW2 on a park bench.

One of them said "Do you remember that NAAFI tea that they used to serve us back in barracks?"

"Oh, yes!, said his mate, 'It was so strong you could stand a teaspoon up in it and it was laced with that bromide stuff to stop us getting erections."

"Aye," was the reply, "It's about that bromide that I was thinking about. I reckon it began to work last week!"
 

foxy

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Two old timers at a nursing home, one says to the other I really fancy an ice cream, would you like one. His mate replies he would, and he would like it with nuts and sprinkles over the top. He reminds his mate to write it down otherwise he will forget. His mate says I won't forget plain for me, nuts and sprinkles for you. Off he went to get the ice cream he came back and says here's your pie, to which his mate replied I told you to write it down, you didn't ask for sauce.
 

MmmBeer

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An ice cream man was discovered dead this morning on the floor of his van. His white coat was said to have been covered with crushed nuts, raspberry sauce and chocolate sprinkles. Police suspect that he topped himself. :coat:
 
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