Joke of the day.

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Anglezarke

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I thought I'd do my bit to help out in the current crisis so I volunteered for Samaritans call centre. My first call was from a man who said he was feeling suicidal and sitting on a train track. I told him to keep calm and stay on the line.
 

Shirley Bassett

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When I saw the Tonto McTavish joke it reminded me of my Red Indian Joke.

There was a young Indian Brave who asked the Tribal Chief, “Why are we named in the manner that we are?”.

The chief explained to the Brave that Red Indians are traditionally named after the first thing that the Squaw sees, after she has given birth.

For example I was born on the banks of a river, and was named Running Water.

Your uncle was born in a field, and there was a Bull resting. He was named Sitting Bull.

Your father was born in the same field, and the first thing his mother saw was a horse bucking and galloping around. He was named Crazy Horse.

The Chief then asks the Brave, “is there a reason for your question, Two Dogs Shagging?”.
 

foxy

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Two cockies sitting in the pub one winter evening, both watching a Kelpie laying in front of the wood burner lazily licking his balls. One cocky turned to the other and said, 'I wish I could do that' The other cocky said, 'Give him a biscuit and he might let ya.'
 

Shirley Bassett

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A group of pensioners were protesting outside Parliament:

What do we want?
Can‘t remember.

When do we want it?
After a nap.
 

Wynott

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Wife to Husband: "I'm getting a bit bored, would you like to try something different tonight?"
Husband's face lights up "Great, yes, let's go for it"
Wife to Husband: "Ok, you do the ironing and I'll lay on the sofa scratching my belly"

...one from the late, great, Ken Dodd.
 

davyE

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning
 

MmmBeer

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A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "Who wants a fight, I'll take on any one of you"

No one replies, so he just sits down and has a drink.

Five minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in and also offers to fight all comers.

After the red tarmac leaves another drinker asks the black tarmac why he didn't take the red tarmac on if he wanted a fight?

To which he replied "Don't be daft, he's a flipping cycle path!"
 

the baron

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2 fishermans friends walks into a bar and 1 of them offers to fight anybody but there are no takers.
5 minutes later a Tune walks in and offer to fight anybody and again there are no takers. When the Tune drinks up and goes the first Fishermans friend says to his mate " why didn't you take him up on his offer?"
"to which he replies you must be mad he's Menthol"
 

Dutto

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The man walked into the dock, coughed and immediately apologised to the magistrate.

As the Clerk tried to read out the charge the man started coughing again, drowned out his words and immediately apologised for the coughing fit.

When the policeman started to give his evidence, the man started off coughing again so when he stopped the magistrate suggested that the man sucked a Fisherman's Friend and got the response "Don't you think I'm in enough trouble already?"
 

Dutto

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A man lived opposite a Pawnbroker's shop and every day he saw the owner come out of his shop, make the sign of the cross, walk down the street and go into the local Synagogue.

The man was so intrigued that one day he went outside, met the man as he crossed the street and asked him why he made the sign of the cross every time he went to the Synagogue.

The Pawnbroker looked puzzled for a while and then his frown cleared and he smiled. "To make sure that I'm properly dressed and have everything I need, I mutter 'Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.' and check that everything is in its place." he said.
 

MmmBeer

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A catholic goes to confession and says "Forgive me father, I have sinned. I used some extremely offensive language."
The priest replies "When did you use this language?"
"Yesterday when playing golf, I hit the best drive I have ever hit, but after just 50 yards it clips a tree branch and fell into the bushes."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, a squirrel ran out of the bushes clutching my ball and headed onto the fairway."
"So is that when you swore?"
"No, a buzzard then swept down and grabbed the squirrel in its talons and flew towards the green, carrying squirrel and ball."
"Is that when you swore?" said the priest impatiently.
"No, next the squirrel dropped the ball, which bounced off a branch, rolled onto the green, just missing the bunker and came to a halt just two inches from the hole."
"Wait, you missed the f**king putt didn't you!"
 

Andrew Taylor

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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese fsctory

There was de brie everywhere
 
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