Joke of the day.

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Shirley Bassett

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An Australian, an Englishman and an Italian walked into a bar in Bangkok.

The bartender said, “I’m sorry gents, but you can’t be served in here without a Thai”.
 

foxy

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God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the Garden of Eden, not knowing where to look he walks over to the cashier to ask directions.
Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.
 

BeerisGOD

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The Statue


  • A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
    "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
    "What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
    "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
    No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
 

Spratt

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a project manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
 

Shirley Bassett

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There was a blonde who was tired of not being taken seriously, so she decided to dye her hair brunette.

Later that day she went for a drive in her convertible Merc to show off her new hair colouring. Whilst on her drive she was travelling down a narrow country lane when she happened upon a Shepherd moving his large flock of sheep from one field to another.

She got chatting with the Shepherd, and thought that this would be an opportunity to be taken seriously. She said to the Shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock, can I have one?”.

The Shepherd agrees to the request.

The young lady then says, “There is 347 in your flock”.

The Shepherd is amazed that she got the exact number and says, “Take your pick”.

The blonde gets out of the Merc and gathers up her favourite animal.

The Shepherd then says, “If I can guess the real colour of your hair, then can I have my dog back?”.
 

foxy

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Superman is flying around bored shitless, can't find any other superheroes, when he spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building. He thinks, ' I can fly down there faster than a speeding bullet, give her a large portion and be away before she knows what hit her'.
Down he goes and gives her one within the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman says, What the hell was that'. The Invisible Man says, ' I don't know, but it didn't half hurt'.
 

Druncan

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Three scientists want to find out how much an elephant *hits in a year. So they set up an experiment. They fit a huge bung in the elephants a**e and then feed it bananas for a year. They also train a monkey to pull a bung out of a jar to get food when it hears a whistle. The great day arrives. The huge elephant stands with the monkey behind and the first scientist 5 metres away, another 10m and another 20m. The first scientist whistles and the monkey pulls out the bung. *hit explodes everywhere. The first scientist is up to his neck, the second up to his waist the third up to his ankles. They notice the first scientist is screaming with laughter and ask whats so funny when your up to your neck in hot elephant *hit? The first scientist says 'yes, but you should have seen the monkey trying to put the bung back',,,,,,,,,,,,, I'll go now,,, :coat:
 

Markk

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This is the longest something “Made in China” has ever lasted!
 

foxy

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They said I would no good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I have made three vases and a jug and I think they're lovely.
I'm going to be borrowing that one.:laugh8:

A young cowboy goes into a bar. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
 
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Shirley Bassett

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This joke is best told in your finest Welsh accent.

There’s a new vicar to a Parish in the valleys, and he’s giving his first sermon to the congregation.

He says, “Today’s sermon is about ghosts. Has anyone here ever seen a ghost?”.

There’s deathly silence in the church.

He then says, “Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”. Dai Jones in the congregation looks around nervously.

The Vicar then says, “Has anyone here ever kissed a ghost?”. Dai Jones again looks nervously around and starts to quiver in his pew.

The Vicar then says, “Has anyone here ever f*cked a ghost?”.

Dai Jones puts his hand up and says, “I have Vicar”.

The Vicar bawls, “You’ve f*cked a ghost Dai Jones!”.

Dai replies, “Oh, I terribly sorry Vicar. I thought you said a goat.”.

if it’s any conciliation, I used to live in North Wales, and none of my neighbours found this joke funny, either.
 

Brizer

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A joke to take the minds off the worriers and whittlers, who think we are all going to be wiped out with plagues pestilence and the off chance of a collision with a asteroid.

In a small village in Russia the village milking cow dried up, the villagers were panicking wondering what to do. A village elder suggested they go and see the wise man of the woods, so they traipsed up to where the wise man of the woods lived. They explained the problem they had with the cow and he told them they would have to purchase a new cow.
The villagers went back and held a meeting , it was decided that two villagers would travel to Minsk cattle market where one of the villagers uncles worked and he could help them choose a good milking cow.
After 5 days the villagers returned with a really good milking cow and the cow started to provide all the milk the villagers needed. At a council meeting the question was raised about the same occurrence happening with the new cow. A villager was once again sent up to ask guidance from the wise man of the woods, he told the villager to go to the next village and borrow their bull to service the cow. This they did the following morning, but no matter what they did, the cow would have none of it. Again a party of villagers went to see the wise man of the woods, they explained no matter how they tried to introduce the bull to the rear end of the cow the cow would turn, to the left, to the right, even to face the bull. The wise man thought for a moment, chin in hand and asked, 'Did you get this cow from Minsk' The villagers were astounded they said yes they did but how could you, wise man possibly know such a thing? He turned to them and said, 'My wife comes from Minsk'
🤣😂🤣
 

Brizer

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I have quite a few Russian clients, I use it as an ice breaker, works well.

A mother was cleaning her sons room and found some sadomasochism magazines under the mattress, she rang her husband and told him, the husband said, whatever you do don't spank him.
🤣😂🤣
 

foxy

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says"Hello!"
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids..'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my a**e with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
 

foxy

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I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav,
I've had it most of my life
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counseling,
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the bugger off.
 

foxy

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I've just started to learn the Hokey Pokey, not all of it, just the in's and out's.
 
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