OB's Problem Page

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

As you all know this coming Thursday (19th) is world toilet day

As a result I am expecting that my agony page will be particularly busy tonight

So make sure you post your worries, concerns and any sexually deviant activities you enjoy early so I can be as supportive as I can in these difficult times

 

[Banbeer]

Dear Aunty OB,

Thanks for the heads up on national toilet day! Last year I bought some John Wayne toilet rolls (theyre rough, tough and take no **** off Indians) and we've run out and had to resort to Andrex (other toilet rolls are available) they just don't feel right. Any suggestions on what to use.

Many thanks

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear Aunty OB,

Thanks for the heads up on national toilet day! Last year I bought some John Wayne toilet rolls (theyre rough, tough and take no **** off Indians) and we've run out and had to resort to Andrex (other toilet rolls are available) they just don't feel right. Any suggestions on what to use.

Many thanks

As my old mother used to say

"What's wrong with a stiff wire brush, Jeyes fluid and goggles"

Oh by the way what blood group are you?

 

[Banbeer]

As my old mother used to say

"What's wrong with a stiff wire brush, Jeyes fluid and goggles"

Oh by the way what blood group are you?

Yeah, yeah. used them before the JW bog rolls, blood group RED

 

[foxbat]

Dear OB,

I appear to have misplaced Shergar. I looked down the back of the sofa but only managed to find Elvis, Lord Lucan and the proof to Fermat's last theorem. Please tell me where I've left him because these sugar cubes won't keep forever.

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear OB,

I appear to have misplaced Shergar. I looked down the back of the sofa but only managed to find Elvis, Lord Lucan and the proof to Fermat's last theorem. Please tell me where I've left him because these sugar cubes won't keep forever.

I am afraid that I can not answer any questions to do with pure mathematics (my doctor has advised me so)

What my doctor also told me was "Ornamental bird baths don't make good cheese graters"

In terms of finding Shergar - have you asked your wife (or other female acquaintance) to have a look?

Most men are hopeless at finding things

In terms of Elvis and Lord Lucan - had you not noticed a funny smell before now?

I would keep the sugar cubes in cased @Chippy_Tea ever invites you round for a cuppa with his missus

Glad I was able to help

 

[HSD]

My advice would be to place the ferrets (no more than six at anyone time) inside your underpants with the loofah and a piece of cheese. Tie both legs of your underpants tightly with biodegrable string and make sure that the elastic on the top of your underpants is tight also

It works for me anyway

PS which blood group are you?

Im worried this could be seen as a Devonian practice? being of the Cornish persuasion would this be a sin or an ecumenical matter? I wouldn’t want to have to leave the village again. Would bailer twine work instead of the string? I already have lots of pants cheese, sorry for all the questions it’s just it’s the weekend and ferrets are looking dirtier by the minute.

Blood group 6 past Tuesday last.

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Im worried this could be seen as a Devonian practice? being of the Cornish persuasion would this be a sin or an ecumenical matter? I wouldn’t want to have to leave the village again. Would bailer twine work instead of the string? I already have lots of pants cheese, sorry for all the questions it’s just it’s the weekend and ferrets are looking dirtier by the minute.

Blood group 6 past Tuesday last.

I think that you might be using the wrong sort of cheese. I would recommend a Spanish Monchego

It would only be an ecumenical matter if you used bailer twine, shoe laces would be OK (take them out of your shoes first though)

In terms of leaving the village, you are going to have to do this any way when this lock down is over

I find that dirty ferrets can often look better if you juggle them for 20 minutes or so every quarter of an hour

You seem to know a lot about blood - perhaps you are a hematologist or a light house keeper with red hair?

Hope you found this helpful

Cheers Aunty OB - always listening

 

[chopps]

Agony OB please help. I’m parked up at the side of the road, hopelessly lost.
Do you know the way to San Jose?

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Agony OB please help. I’m parked up at the side of the road, hopelessly lost.
Do you know the way to San Jose?

In situations like these I always start by thinking what would Donald Trump advise

I suggest that you ignore all the obvious signs about what happening and go and play golf

I could find my way to the motorway services just south of jc 17 of the M6 if that would help

Isn't San Jose the other side of Bradford?

 

[Banbeer]

Dear Aunty OB,

Thanks for being a good samaritan, my wife sent me a picture of her, mmmm... private parts and I asked if she was still at the kebab shop to get me some chips and a can of Coke, this was Wednesday evening and she won't answer the phone or return my calls. The question is do I go for a takeaway or cook something myself? please help I'm hungry.

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear Aunty OB,

Thanks for being a good samaritan, my wife sent me a picture of her, mmmm... private parts and I asked if she was still at the kebab shop to get me some chips and a can of Coke, this was Wednesday evening and she won't answer the phone or return my calls. The question is do I go for a takeaway or cook something myself? please help I'm hungry.

Is your wife sitting next to you on the sofa at the moment?

 

[marshbrewer]

Dear Aunty OB,

Until very recently, I had the most powerful job in the world, allowing me to boss people around and generally lord it over a whole nation. To be honest, I was really good at this and was the bestest most popular person ever, and was destined to keep this job but due to some virus thingie and various other trivial matters, it looks like I am to replaced. This will leave me more time for golf, but I am worried my unfeasibly young wife might get the hump and leave me. What colour roses should I buy her to prevent this?


DT

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear Aunty OB,

Until very recently, I had the most powerful job in the world, allowing me to boss people around and generally lord it over a whole nation. To be honest, I was really good at this and was the bestest most popular person ever, and was destined to keep this job but due to some virus thingie and various other trivial matters, it looks like I am to replaced. This will leave me more time for golf, but I am worried my unfeasibly young wife might get the hump and leave me. What colour roses should I buy her to prevent this?


DT

I have spotted your real identity DT - you can't hide anything from your old aunty

DAVID TENNANT!

I think Quality Street would be more appropriate than roses

PS Aren't those Daleks really scarey?

 

[VW911]

Dear Aunty OB.
I've been told that Capricorn in in ascendance, but my Grapefruit still feels a bit "squidgy".
Any ideas?

My blood group is "O neg" if that helps...

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear Aunty OB.
I've been told that Capricorn in in ascendance, but my Grapefruit still feels a bit "squidgy".
Any ideas?

My blood group is "O neg" if that helps...

Lot's of ideas thanks - but my psychiatrist has told me not to listen to the voices inside my wife's head

I once knew a uni-cyclist who was a judge in the Great British Grapefruit Competition - to be honest he was somewhat bitter but he did once give me some very sensible advice - just wish I could remember it

This is him before before he had his hair transplant

In terms of your ascending Capricorn I suggest you buy some ointment from the chemist

Any other problems - just ask

 

[DavidHatton]

Dear OB,

Asking for a friend, he recently went to his GP with multi joint pains, GP told him he has tennis elbow, athletes foot and w**nkers cramp.
my friend is asking for a second opinion, as he never played tennis and hasn't jogged for over 25 years.

thanks in advance

David, I mean my mate.

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear OB,

Asking for a friend, he recently went to his GP with multi joint pains, GP told him he has tennis elbow, athletes foot and w**nkers cramp.
my friend is asking for a second opinion, as he never played tennis and hasn't jogged for over 25 years.

thanks in advance

David, I mean my mate.

Hi David's Mate

I have been speculating on the missing letter

Is winkers cramp a result of blinking with one eye too much or perhaps you mean wonkers cramp caused by eating too much chocolate?

I am sure that an old teacher at my school (we called them Masters) called Bator (his surname) could ejaculate some light onto what the doctor was talking about.

Wasn't a wunker a german aircraft?

 

[The Baron]

OB I think you are getting your German planes mixed up it was a Fokker sorry if I have spelt it wrong

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

OB I think you are getting your German planes mixed up it was a Fokker sorry if I have spelt it wrong

I thought that Fokkers were small planes hence the term "little fokkers" whereas wunkers were large hence the term "big wunker"