OBs Christmas Agony Aunt Page

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

I know that Christmas is a worrying and upsetting time for many people

So I am just announcing the good news that I shall be available to give advice on any Christmas, New Year, sexually bizarre, ironing or bird bath issues from Friday 18th onwards. No pure mathematics questions are allowed

Don't be afraid to reach out

 

[crowcrow]

If this is as good as Joan and Jericha, count me in

 

[The Baron]

Sorry to ask before Friday but I keep getting woken up with a man wearing a white chin strap and rattling chains in my bedroom. Is this a hallucinatory side effect of taking too much Viagra?

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Hi Mr the Baron

I know that it must be very hard for you - are you prone to stiffness on a morning?

The man wearing the white chin strap - over what part of his anatomy is he wearing it?

Perhaps if you untied him - he could put some clothes on and wouldn't need to rattle some chains to get you up

 

[The Baron]

I only suffer from morning stiffness if I take 100Mg tablets instead of 50Mg. My mistake did I say chin strap it must have been a typo I meant jock strap. He is already wearing clothes it looks like a crotchless shroud as I can see the jock strap - do you think he is wanting me to give him a viagra tablet has his jock strap is slung low?

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

I understand your concern here - in order to give you the right advice I need you to answer the following questions

1. The man with the crotchless shroud - what colour are his eyebrows?
2. Have you ever had sex with a sheep or other quadruped animal?
3. If the answer to 2 was yes - was it good?
4. Why is it that when you phone a wrong number it is never engaged?
5. The longest running sitcom in the world broadcast it's 39th series in 2009 - what is the name of the sitcom?
6. What's it like to have sex with a sheep?
7. Do you have any beef burgers in your fridge?
8. What colour is a 100mg Viagra Tablet?
9. When will you stop doing that in the sink?
10. Who is Bernard?

 

[DavidHatton]

Dear OB,
Having a bit of trouble with my xmas menu, is it still ok to have brussels with my dinner this year, I normally buy enough to have them on xmas day and news year day, should I throw away any remaining sprouts before the 31st december.
Maybe I could just write two menu's for the appropriate days.
Tried calling Nigel Farage, but he seams to be out of mobile range as he spends alot time travelling around the coastal areas of the uk searching for disused military bases.
Should I just not bother as nobody reallly likes my Brussels anyway.

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Dear OB,
Having a bit of trouble with my xmas menu, is it still ok to have brussels with my dinner this year, I normally buy enough to have them on xmas day and news year day, should I throw away any remaining sprouts before the 31st december.
Maybe I could just write two menu's for the appropriate days.
Tried calling Nigel Farage, but he seams to be out of mobile range as he spends alot time travelling around the coastal areas of the uk searching for disused military bases.
Should I just not bother as nobody reallly likes my Brussels anyway.

Dear David

The key question here is - how are your bowels, are you regular?

We all know the importance of 5 a day - as well as sufficient fruit & veg

Whilst in the waiting room at Specsavers the other day I was chatting with Dominic Cummings who told me that the government plan to release the facts with regard to brussels over the next few days in their usual way - on the side of a bus

In the meantime it would be best to avoid the following

- Swiss Rolls
- French Toast
- German Lager
- Anything from Iceland

PS I also like sprouts and plan to have them with the Barbecue on Boxing Day

 

[foxbat]

Shall I watch The Italian Job on Channel 4 after Christmas dinner or just fall asleep on the settee as usual?

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Shall I watch The Italian Job on Channel 4 after Christmas dinner or just fall asleep on the settee as usual?

I think that it will be important to watch the Italian Job this year

I have just heard from a reliable source* that the government has decided that the announcement as to whether we have a deal with the EU or not will be written on the side of that coach that they use to escape with the money at the end

It will be a bit of a cliff hanger until then

* reliable source = Sooty

 

[Tim Wilkes]

Dear Auntie O
Like many I'm looking forward to Santa popping down my chimney in a week's time. Is there anything I should do to prepare myself for his coming?

 

[Obadiah Boondoggle]

Is there anything I should do to prepare myself for his coming?

I would suggest that you should leave some tissues in an obvious place - so he will wipe up the white stains himself

Also switch on the parental controls on your internet router