One of the members on my waterways forum persists in trotting this out every year. I've just done a search and it doesn't appear to have reached this forum, so here goes: I wonder if there's a character limit on posts.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
Iâm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigiâs Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar Iâm afraid, but plenty of eggnog!
Weâll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And donât be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyoneâs pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at the party!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
PL.
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterdayâs memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on weâre calling it our âHoliday Party.â
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... (you didnât sign your name). Iâm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, âAA Onlyâ; you wouldnât be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Any suggestions?
Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.
P. Lewis
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!
I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the partyâ¦â¦â¦â¦â¦!
Seriously though, we do appreciate that a luncheon this time of year does not make allowance for our Muslim employeesâ beliefs.
Perhaps Luigiâs can hold off from serving your meal until the end of the party: the days are so short this time of year; or else maybe we could package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, Iâve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table next to the restrooms.
Gays will be allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay menâs table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, Iâm afraid no cross-dressing will be allowed.
Yes, we will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
No, we cannot control the salt used in the food â we suggest those people with high blood problems should taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply âNo Sugarâ desserts, sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?
Fire regulations at Luigiâs prohibit the burning of sage by our âearth-based Goddess-worshipingâ employees, but weâll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the bandâs breaks. Okay???
Patty
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of âSantaâ does happen to be âSatan,â there is no evil connotation to our own âlittle man in a red suit.â
Itâs a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentineâs Day.
Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering.
You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
Pat
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Bloody Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The f***ing Holiday Party
I have no sodding idea what the CEOâs announcement is all about. What the f*** do I care. I know what Iâm going to get!
You change your address now and youâre dead ! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office this year. You try to come in and change your address, Iâll have you hung from the girders in the warehouse!
Vegetariansâ¦â¦â¦..!? Iâve had it with all you people!
Weâre going to keep this party at Luigiâs Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table furthest from the âgrill of death,â as you so quaintly put it; youâll get your f***ing salad bar, including your hydroponic tomatoes. Hey did you know that they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. Iâve heard them scream. Iâm hearing them scream right now!
HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, yaâll hear me??
F*** you!
====================================
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
Iâm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Ms. Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. Iâll forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
Iâm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigiâs Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar Iâm afraid, but plenty of eggnog!
Weâll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And donât be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyoneâs pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at the party!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
PL.
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterdayâs memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on weâre calling it our âHoliday Party.â
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... (you didnât sign your name). Iâm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, âAA Onlyâ; you wouldnât be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Any suggestions?
Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.
P. Lewis
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!
I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the partyâ¦â¦â¦â¦â¦!
Seriously though, we do appreciate that a luncheon this time of year does not make allowance for our Muslim employeesâ beliefs.
Perhaps Luigiâs can hold off from serving your meal until the end of the party: the days are so short this time of year; or else maybe we could package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, Iâve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table next to the restrooms.
Gays will be allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay menâs table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, Iâm afraid no cross-dressing will be allowed.
Yes, we will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
No, we cannot control the salt used in the food â we suggest those people with high blood problems should taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply âNo Sugarâ desserts, sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?
Fire regulations at Luigiâs prohibit the burning of sage by our âearth-based Goddess-worshipingâ employees, but weâll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the bandâs breaks. Okay???
Patty
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of âSantaâ does happen to be âSatan,â there is no evil connotation to our own âlittle man in a red suit.â
Itâs a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentineâs Day.
Could we lighten up? Please?????????
Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering.
You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
Pat
====================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Bloody Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The f***ing Holiday Party
I have no sodding idea what the CEOâs announcement is all about. What the f*** do I care. I know what Iâm going to get!
You change your address now and youâre dead ! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office this year. You try to come in and change your address, Iâll have you hung from the girders in the warehouse!
Vegetariansâ¦â¦â¦..!? Iâve had it with all you people!
Weâre going to keep this party at Luigiâs Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can sit quietly at the table furthest from the âgrill of death,â as you so quaintly put it; youâll get your f***ing salad bar, including your hydroponic tomatoes. Hey did you know that they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. Iâve heard them scream. Iâm hearing them scream right now!
HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, yaâll hear me??
F*** you!
====================================
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
Iâm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Ms. Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. Iâll forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri
